Really, You Cant Be Serious!!

I Left my Heart in San Francisco and my kidney in Tijuna

2009-08-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

Obviously I am becoming a jet setter, that is can you be an actual jet setter if you don't actually board a jet, or a plane for that matter? I suppose I am becoming a car setter but that doesn't have the romantic adventurous feel that jet setter does, so maybe I could be known as the road trip queen....I like it thanks for asking. Tomorrow I am going to lovely San Francisco with Concert Guy on my "Second Trip with a Man other than my Ex so those don't count trip". I am so very excited!!
He lived there but doesn't mind doing all of the touristy things like riding a cable car, ding ding, getting make up tips from the fabulous drag queens, oh sister or scoring pot psst........honestly I am only doing one of those but you have to figure it out which one......
Next weekend we are going back to Reno..so that is why I am becoming the road trip queen...
Smooches!

If a terrorist wanted to commit a crime in Reno, well, he's never been to Reno*

2009-07-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

Well, the Concert Guy and I went away on "Amy's First Ever Going Away with a Man Aside from The Ex and that doesn't count Trip"! It was a lot of fun thanks for asking!

We went to Reno and no we didn't get married, win a lot of money or get a tattoo and I say that only because a lot of the wedding chapels had tattoo parlours conveniently located in close proximity. Just lucky or was that planned? Get back to me on that....

Concert Guy had to work so I took one for the team and laid by the pool and had cocktails. I know the injustice, dry those tears friends, I was strong and made out alive. One day at lunch I was proposed to by Drunk Bob and Even Drunker Adam. Yes in Reno I was a hot commodity! At least in the old alcoholics section of men.

Side note thank you Annie for your insightful theory on the pink roses. Now I am only more confused, and you call yourself a teacher!!

"Why would I need to see other women? You have more than enough personalities to keep me completely occupied!”

2009-07-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

I had a great weekend. Thanks for asking.

I spent it with Concert Guy. Just being around him makes me mellow and happy absolutely nothing like I felt with the Crazy German, since walking around on egg shells is neither mellow or promotes happiness. I am learning the whole dating protocol that I missed out because I have been married since I was in the womb. How long do I stay? Do I stay? Is it being presumptious to bring a toothbrush? overnight bag? my dog, the kids baby pictures and a change of address card? Does he really want me to stay all day or is he just being nice? Is that code for me to leave or does it really mean I am going to put you in my cellar and IT should put the lotion on? When I get there and there is the most beautiful bouquet of pink roses, what does that mean? Red roses mean love and yellow friendship but what about pink? I like you quite a bit, not really at a point where I want to discuss my feelings but I would like to see you naked? Is it bad that I woke up on Sunday morning, had a mild internal flipping out got all of my stuff, and left right after I woke up. Not a crazy screaming into the night but more of a hey I had a great time, but I think it is time for me to head off to the homestead. I was trying for cool and aloof but I am pretty darn sure that I missed that mark.
I head back to the homestead, that I am STILL sharing with The Ex, and I walk in wearing one of Concert Guy's t-shirts, carrying my beautiful pink roses. Talk about bursting the magical bubble of the weekend. mmmmmm

You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.

2009-07-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here with a wicked case of blog block.....
No matter how much fiber I take in or water I drink I cant seem to sort out all of the mumbo jumbo flying around in my head to form a coherent, amusing post. I need one of those organizers to come into my brain and put things away. Cute little baskets labeled with my brain clutter.
This happens when I sit down and really analyze just what is going on in my life. It is overwhelming, really. Then I start to think that maybe I am leaning on the side of drama, but that shouldn't matter because I always lean on the side of drama and I cannot use that as an excuse. I use to bitch, moan and complain because I thought that my life was boring, and predictable. I am living proof that you should be careful for what you wish for.
I don't want to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself because that is not it at all. I admit I am sounding a little whiny. Hold on for a moment.....waaaaa waaaa waaaaaaaaaaaa. Okay I got that out of my system. I am good now. Thanks.....

I know she's kind of socially retarded and weird, but she's my friend... so, just promise me you wont make fun of her!*

2009-07-06T10:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Fourth of July....late

I had a great weekend. Thanks, for asking.

Concert Guy and I have seem to really be hitting it off. So much that I met his son and his ex wife this weekend! We went his ex's house for a barbq where I met her, her boyfriend and a group of their friends. I was really nervous but I didn't let it show, I mean I know I am fabulous (and when I say fabulous I mean pretty much sane and I have never killed anyone) so I told myself if she doesn't like well then its her loss, refer back to said fabulousity. I had only seen pictures of her so I was expecting this tiny little thing. Welllllllll I can say without a shadow of a doubt that she is short. But I am not saying anything negative, oompa loompa, because really and truly I really liked her, Mama Cass, we got along great. I was thankful that I had gone a week carbless, because remember I am fabulous(and when I say fabulous I mean petty, shrewd and sometimes that bitchy high school girl rears her ugly head)
Enough of the mean girl persona, I loved his son! He is sooo sweet. He is 7 and I forgot how cute they are at that age.
I hope everyone had a safe holiday and they still have all of their fingers.....

quote from a movie, that when I reread my post, I should have starred in.....

I'm not nervous, I'm scared. I don't know how to talk to crazy people unless I'm dating them.

2009-06-29T06:58:00.001-07:00

In the whole scheme of dating I like to say that I have come up with a theory and that is back massages are equal to twice baked potatoes.

When you first start seeing someone, the guy wants to come across smooth and seductive not horny and still want to be able to watch Sports Center. That is where the back massage comes in. It says to the woman "Hey, I care about your needs. Your body is a wonderland. I cant keep my hands off of you....blah blah blah, (do you think she is buying it?)" Ladies cherish it, soak it in. Remember this time when you are more important then finding out if a twice retired quarterback is going to come back for a third season. Relish this time when you are his sole focus instead flipping mindlessly through channels only to settle on a rerun of Charles in Charge.

Ladies we are not alone in this game of "Look, look, look how truly fabulous I am"

That is where the twice baked potatoes come into play. When we start out dating a man we always end up cooking dinner for the first time for them. We put a lot of thought into it such as candlelight, yes definitely candle light because it makes me look good and what should I wear but eventually when we get past the proper lighting scheme we turn to what will be the menu. We want to cook something a little on the elaborate side, we know that he would enjoy and something his is mom isn't famous for thus spoiling his palette for anyone else versions. Mine was the twice baked potato. I made it once for the Ex Husband, he loved it! Raved about it! Couldn't get enough.

As time goes on the Twice Baked Potato and the Massage become as elusive in a relationship as Big Foot, the Locke ness Monster and any kind of talent Lady GaGa might possess.

You can do it! Get that old ass of yours in the endzone! We gotta win this game!*

2009-06-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

Rah, rah, sis boom bah!!
Date with Football Coach went so great....but you know there is always a but in my world. This is the but, he is 6 years younger than moi! Wait does that make me a cougar? Cougar ha! Honestly a cougar is up there with being a MILF, not something that a girl publicly wants to attain but would be secretly hurt and upset if you weren't considered one.
Back to date with Football Coach....tall 6'2'' muscular beautiful blue eyes. In fact he looked like a yoked out Phil Mikelson. Funny, funny, funny. But, yes there is that word again, he is young...do i want to be in my 40's dating someone in their 30's? Does that make me the next Hugh Hefner? I don't want to wear smoking jackets everywhere.
No dates tonight....

*what an appropriate movie quote...almost zen like...

The first rule about dating is dont talk about fight club....

2009-06-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

Either I was so bored living in Cowtown that I became temporarily insane or I am a glutton for punishment but I actually started online dating again. I will wait while you slap yourselves in the forehead and mutter obscenities under your breath. I figure who gets hit with crazy lighting twice in a lifetime...if you know of someone that has please keep it yourself as to not burst my bubble.
So anyhoo I got on of the well known sites and posted my profile. Not very much info, only one picture keeping myself vague, I like mysterious more. Got hits. There are some weird ones out there. One who refered to himself as dirty cowboy spoke of his livestock including his mules. Mmmm yeah not so much. I had one guy who seemed normal, fairly good looking, sense of humor so I threw caution to the wind and went to dinner. We went to a sushi place. The food was great but I couldn't get past the fact that all through dinner he kept making odd cheer leading faces. You have seen the cheer leading competitions on ESPN and they make these weird open mouth smiles. He did that. Deal breaker. When I told him later that I didn't think that we clicked, he got really pissy and confirmed he is not the one.
Last Saturday I had a date that was great. We met at a restaurant and then went and saw a Journey tribute band. Had an absolute blast. We will refer to him as Concert Guy because he has seen every show, gets backstage and has the coolest pictures from them. He was even in a video from the 80's!! We clicked but not at the same time. We are going out again this Saturday.
Monday I had a coffee date with an odd bird that monopolized the conversation with his long winded story of his weight loss and ATV adventures. At least there was coffee.
Tonight I have a date with Football Coach. Such a funny fellow. Spoke to him on the phone until 2am Monday night....great idea if you are young but not so good if your day starts at 6!
So there the reader's digest version of what is going on......

Screws just fall out all the time, the world's an imperfect place*

2009-06-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

So for awhile we (Son, Daughter, Dog, Me and The Ex-Husband) all lived in his one bedroom apartment. It was cozy to say the least. It really wasnt all that bad considering Son, Daughter, Dog, Me and The Ex-Husband were all practically on top of each other. I firmly believe that our sense of humor saved us...we are some funny folks.
A few weeks ago we moved into a house within walking distance of the kids school. Thank God because with traffic in Cowtown I was literally driving 45 minutes each way to get the kiddos to school.
I know that you are thinking to yourself yeah, yeah, yeah but what about the Crazy German? Oh my friends, lucky me, he contacts me on a regular basis. Let me inform you why he became known as the Crazy German. Met him online, and we spoke for nine months, NINE months on the phone. Supposedly he was in Maui and got a brain tumor but who the hell knows where he really was and if he was just watching too many episodes of House or read WebMD too many times but everytime he was scheduled to come to meet me something happened. Yes I know red flag but I guess I was blind or stupid or maybe I was clinically dead at the time. Whatever the reason was I waited around and in September he made his appearance.
He met everyone and went well aside from the fact that when Daughter met him she was convinced he was gay. Months went by and everything was ok at best but I was told by The Crazy German that he had money, yeah, yeah, yeah I know golddigger, whatever......
That is where I must stop the story and get you all tucked into bed. I will continue tomorrow.

Hey, hey, hey, hey...! Don't ring my bell!*

2009-06-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

Welcome one and all!!!

This blog is by me, about me and the crazy antics that has become my life!!

This blog is about my life part duex. Ran away from San Diego on the spur of the moment in a 2004 Sebring with a driver side window that wouldnt roll up, belongings in cheap white trash bags, with my 14 year old son riding shotgun with a German Shepard on his lap. Made my way to Sacramento, where my daughter was visiting her dad, my ex-husband, all to escape The Crazy German. As I drove I kept picturing the start of that show from the 70's, Alice. You know she is driving in the desert (okay no desert but flat cow country), in an old station wagon( all ready established that I was in a Sebring) but I did have the kid and the dog. The ironic thing is that when I drove to the Ex's place, on the corner was a Mel's Diner!! I swear to God!!

Life is funny.

*Quote Alice